Best Sex Music Ever | William Tell Overture

What most people don’t realize about the WTO (as in, the William Tell Overture; not the World Trade Organization) — and BTW, that’s how hip we’ve all become: everything gets an acronym, including “by the way” — but anyway, most people think of the Lone Ranger when they think of the WTO. What they don’t know is that a whole lot happens before Kemo Sabe shows up.

There’s a slow introduction. Then there’s a storm. Then the sun comes out. And THEN, outta nowhere, the LR and Tonto come a-gallopin’ to the rescue.

The whole thing runs about 12 minutes. And each of the four sections runs three minutes or so. Plenty of time for foreplay and consummation. So gentlemen, here’s how it’s done. And this is pretty much how it went down with that girl that time.

May I Fix You a Drink?

This part of the music is really dull. In fact, it’s not even music. It’s just a few solo cellos goofing off. It’s music by which to fall asleep. And as such, you have to keep the girl engaged so she won’t doze off. But that’s your job, anyway, as a man — to tap dance your way into the girl’s good graces.

Tell her a mildly funny story. Like, the time you left a realistic Halloween mask in your roommate’s beer cooler and videotaped his reaction. If the girl laughs TOO much, it’s time to move in for the kiss.

The Wrestling Match

This part of the WTO depicts a storm. And it’s perfect background music for the inevitable wrestling match that starts when you begin unbuttoning your ladyfriend’s blouse.

She pushes your hand away, but keeps kissing you. So you try again. Again, she pushes your hand away. I’m not that kinda girl! You stop the seduction. But then she starts rubbing your legs; all three of them. So you try again, and so forth.

Daybreak

You’ll recognize this melody from cartoons depicting sunrises and TV commercials about butter. It’s known in the context of the opera as the Call To the Cows. But it might as well be called Yodeling In the Canyon; because that’s what it’s for, as far as you’re now concerned.

First time you have sex with a girl, ya gotta get down there and check out the plumbing. And if she’s smart, she’ll do the same to you. I mean, who wants to copulate with a leper or someone who sharted when you told the story about scaring your roommate?

And . . . They’re Off!

If you’ve timed it right, then you’ll have the condom on and be in position for entry a few seconds before the trumpets announce the Lone Ranger theme. And then . . . BAM, you’re in! Off and running!

Bada-bump bada-bump bada-bump bump bump, bada-bump bada-bump bada-bump bump bump. And so forth.

Gentlemen, you now have three minutes until the final ta-da. That’s time enough for at least three different positions. And at 150 BPMs — and BTW, that’s fancy music talk for beats per minute — if you’ve followed my directions precisely, you can bet your lady friend will be singing the high notes all the way.

Take a bow and go to sleep right away; before she has a chance to start singing Is That All There Is?