Stink Of Jesus Offensive To People Who Never Go To Church

Lord and Savior Comes Off Smelling Like a Rose After First Ever Interview

So I went to the Old Crusty Buffet the other day, and I stood at one end of the mile-long trough, and two old ladies cut in front of me. One said to the other, “Can you believe how awful everything is?” And the other responded, “Yeah, but at least it’s all-you-can-eat!”

And this reminded me of an awkward moment recently with a friend. I asked him if he had read my latest piece, The Stink Of Jesus, or heard the podcast version. And he responded, “Yeah, yeah. Good piece; but the title bothered me.” I said, “Why?” He said, “I don’t know. It just rubbed me the wrong way. I still got that Catholic thing.” He meant, of course, that the juxtaposition of the words “stink” and “Jesus” rang to him of sacrilege. And you know what that means. It means you’re goin’ to hell.

This came from a man who hasn’t been to church in years. Who swears like a sailor. Who drinks like a fish. Why would he care? He’s going to hell, anyway (according to the rules)!

I, on the other hand, practice my faith every day. I say my prayers. I read sacred literature. I do service work. Whatever I have to do to stay sober. Including making amends. And this article, including (ironically) the premiere of the short movie version of The Stink Of Jesus, is an amends, of sorts.

You see, I know Jesus. He’s a friend of mine. I speak to him almost every day.

Recently I talked him into sitting down for an interview. We met on one of the black metal benches on Berwyn at Clark, next to the puppet guy’s bicycle.

Me: “So, I guess you know what I’ve been going through.”

Jesus: “No, what have you been going through?”

Me: “Wait a minute . . . you haven’t read the article?”

Jesus: “I gotta prioritize. There’s a few things going on in the world, if you haven’t noticed.”

Me: “Oh yeah . . . okay . . .”

Jesus: “What’s the problem? What’s the article about?”

Me: “It’s about . . . it’s about . . .”

Jesus: “Spit it out!”

Me: “Well here . . . just watch the movie!”

Jesus: “So . . . what’s the problem?”

Me: “The title. The Stink Of Jesus.”

Jesus (laughs hard): “That’s funny.”

Needless to say, I was relieved.

Jesus: “What, people don’t think I stink sometimes? You could go with The Scent Of Jesus, or The Musk Of the Savior, or something like that. But at this point . . . what difference does it make? I don’t have a problem with it. So why should anybody else?”

Me: “Good.”

Jesus: “Look, I gotta go.”

We stood. He put his hand on my shoulder.

Jesus: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah. I gotta toothache.”

He put his hands on the sides of my head and his forehead to mine and closed his eyes for a moment. Then . . .

Jesus: “You’re gonna be alright. Okay? Love ya, man. See ya later.” And he disappeared. I don’t mean like magic, or anything. I mean, he just walked away and turned the corner north on Clark. Like a regular person.

But let me tell you something, when the Son o’ God says to your face that he loves you . . . you KNOW everything is gonna be alright.