Dating Advice For Women: Boycott Bad Boys!
Does this make me a bad boy?
I call on women everywhere to boycott bad boys! I know that’s a little like asking a tiger to give up meat. But less cholesterol is probably not a bad idea, even for tigers.
And speaking of wild beasts, I realize that part of the appeal of seduction for any woman is the challenge of taming and tenderizing a bad boy. What woman doesn’t enjoy pounding raw meat and sautéing it in sugar and spice and everything nice? What woman doesn’t envy a queen bee her drones? What woman doesn’t relish the thought of turning a bad boy into a house boy?
But bad boys are also like tigers — they cannot be tamed. Just ask Siegfried and Roy. They can be taught to beg, to speak; even to rollover and play dead. But there’s always something a little sad about bad boys in cages. And, eventually, they will turn on you. They don’t know any better. It’s instinctive.
Cat Madness
When I come home at night, I fancy that my cats greet me with wide eyes and loud hellos because they love me. But they don’t see me. They see tuna! And they’re not saying, “Hello.” They’re screaming, “Tuna!”
If I were to keel over in my apartment and not be found for a month, I have no doubt that my cats would eat me. Upon which, one would turn to the other and say, “Mm, tastes like tuna!”
As far as my cats are concerned, my name is Tuna. Likewise, your name may be Marge or Ethel or Trudy. But to your bad boy, to put it bluntly, you’ll always be Pussy; or, at best, Mom.
Perhaps a bite of bad boy every now and then isn’t such a bad idea. Think of it as a treat. Like chocolate, it may help regulate your estrogen levels.
Too much bad boy, though, will invariably screw up your system. I know, I know; it tastes SO good going down. (Not that I would truly know.) But the next morning, you feel bloated and lethargic.
Some women are addicted to bad boys. Furthermore, their picker is broken. When they gaze upon a group of men, they only see the men who will break their hearts. Good men are invisible to them. There are 12-step programs for these types. No Joke!
But even normal women are drawn to bad boys, as eagerly as cats are to the sound of a can opener. When I feed my cats, I can’t even get the can all the way open before I’m besieged by the sound of desperate cries. It’s as if the little vermin hadn’t just devoured the same stuff a few hours earlier.
I got some tuna in a pouch, recently, thinking I could outwit my cats. For once, I thought, I’ll be able to get the food in the bowl and get out of the way before they knock me off my feet. Quietly, I tore open the pouch. Within seconds, from across the room, my cats raised their heads, twitched their noses and came running.
Tuna and catnip are my cats’ drugs of choice. I like to lay down a pinch of ground catnip on a newspaper and watch them take turns head-butting the other to get to it. Once, I found the dominant of the two felines passed out, face down, in the substance.
It may seem like I’ve gone on a tangent with all of this cat business. But I haven’t. Women smell bad boy pheromones across a crowded room and respond with the same madness as my cats to catnip and tuna.
Addicted To Bad Boys
I used to go bar hopping with a guy named Nate. He and I were similar in appearance and bad boy posturing. Our biggest visible difference was that he had a bunch of tattoos. Within minutes of arriving at a bar (any bar), several attractive young women would have their hands all over his arms and torso, peeling off his shirt to investigate his tattoos.
Really, ladies? Tattoos!? That’s what gets you going? And you give us shit for liking fake breasts!?
My philosophy with tattoos is, I have a hard enough time committing to more transient things; like women. Maybe those women looked at Nate and thought, now there’s a guy who knows how to make a commitment!
What they didn’t know was that Nate had brief commitments with as many as five women at a time. Many of them already had boyfriends or husbands. When it came to Nate, they were powerless.
Nate, too, was powerless. “Pussy’s just another drug,” he lamented, after countless one-night stands. St. Augustine couldn’t have said it better.
The Death Of Tinker Bell
Earlier, I compared bad boys to chocolate. That was a bit misleading. In contrast to what Forrest Gump‘s momma used to say, every time you choose a treat from a box of bad boys, you always know what you’re gonna get. A quick rush, followed by regret. And the antidote may not be as simple as going to the gym to work off the excess calories.
Keep in mind that you’re not doing these blokes any favors by giving in to them. They are, by and large, unhappy children begging for discipline. Their emotional growth was arrested at several stages of development. Like sucklings, they believe they are entitled to your body. Like grade schoolers, they will pout when they don’t get their way. Like adolescents, they will do the exact opposite of what you want them to, even if it’s bad for them. Every time you have sex with a bad boy, Tinker Bell dies and these Lost Boys fall deeper into Never Never Land.
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There’s always something a little sad about bad boys in cages. And, eventually, they will turn on you. They don’t know any better. It’s instinctive.
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What I’m not suggesting, ladies, is that you settle for Mr. Good Enough; although that may not be such a bad idea, if your eggs are screaming for Tabasco. What I’m suggesting is more along the lines of a 3-Billion Woman March; a non-vulva protest; cervical disobedience, if you will (And why wouldn’t you?).
Stop paying these blackguards for their crimes! Why do some boys never grow up? Because their mothers and sisters and aunts think it’s cute when the little rascals get caught with their hands in the cookie jar. It may be cute when little boys lie, cheat and steal to get their way. But when they continue this pattern after the age of 6, they become a menace to society.
So, for the sake of humanity, I implore you to stop having sex with bad boys! Tease the toddlers, if you must, with bales of cotton candy. And then send them to bed without any.
They will most assuredly throw tantrums; which will, no doubt, pull on your heartstrings. Let them cry it out. They will eventually learn, as all real men must, that they don’t need your vaginas to feel good about themselves.
A Good Bad-Boy
When people first give up salt, they complain that all food tastes bland. But soon they learn to savor a greater variety of natural flavors from healthier fare. And this is akin to what will happen when you give up bad boys.
I suggest you start with a strict diet of Gentleman and Nerd, to cleanse your palate. Only after you’ve learned to savor the finer flavors of masculinity should you allow yourself the deep satisfaction and lasting pleasure of what the great relationship teacher, Dr. Paul, calls . . . a Gentleman with an Edge.
This is a hybrid, currently rare, in part, because so many women, 40 years after women’s lib, still rely on the antiquated nice guy/bad boy models. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Bad Boy Express
Think of men, now, as roller coasters. The Bad Boy will always derail. The Nice Guy is for the kids. The Gentleman with an Edge offers the same life and death thrills of the Bad Boy, but will always deliver you safely back to the platform.
I know what some of you are thinking: “I can fix the derailment problem!” If, after everything I’ve just said, ladies, you still think you can redeem a bad boy, then you may be too far gone.
There is hope for you, however, if you are willing to take it one day at a time. Try going a whole day without a bad boy. You’ll respect yourself in the morning; perhaps for the first time.
Hey Dr Greg. You know the ol’ saying “smart women foolish choices”….makes me glad I’m retarded. I have never in my entire existence gone for bad boy cheats and neither have my two best girlfriends. We have ALWAYS spotted them a mile away and pfffft them away with a swing of the back hand. I work with women and all but 2 have wasted too much of their life with bad boys, so I know what you’re talking about. Guess they’re smarter than me. I agree with you. Why waste time with a jack ass when you can have a nerd who treats you nice? Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a nerd. A women can always get 5 gay guys to help her nerd change his wardrobe and hair doo : P
I will always be mystified as to how on bloody earth people stand this behaviour for more than a few weeks. I really have a super low tolerance for it and if anything admire the endurance people have.
Perhaps I am the child who has issues for the inability of not sticking things out. But I believe in my heart that these people are FUBAR so why bother thinking you can fix them? Sure go out to a club or a concert or out with friends for shits and giggles with ’em, but to have a relationship….well…… to me that’s a joke. We’re only on this planet for a little while, why waste it with an ass?
P.S.
I think we should have our own syndicated talk show. Preferably radio. If I were as pretty as you I’d consider t.v. but I is what I is and it ain’t glamorous : /
Haha, thanks for your feedback! I wrote these satiric dating advice pieces mostly to amuse the opposite sex–meaning, so that the women would mostly prefer the advice given to men and vice versa.
And sure enough, most of the feedback I’ve gotten from women is that my advice to men is spot-on, but that I’m wrong about women. And, again, vice versa with men enjoying the pieces for women, but disliking what I say about men.
For instance, I had a female friend tell me that she identified with the pieces for men, but didn’t identify at all with the pieces for women. This came from a woman who, over the years, has told me about countless scoundrels she’s thrown herself at, “like the slut that I am” (her exact words), but who wouldn’t consider me as dating material because I was a good friend, a nice guy. I responded, “Really? You’ve never known any women, whatsoever, who find themselves attracted to bad boys? Well then, consider yourself blessed!” She didn’t respond back.
I’m still laughing. People often don’t want to hear the truth about themselves. Myself included. As recently as five years ago, I was deeply in love with a bad girl who committed many of the atrocities listed in my comparable piece for men. I hope I’ve learned my lesson. But only time will tell.
Hey Dr Greg. You know the ol’ saying “smart women foolish choices”….makes me glad I’m retarded. I have never in my entire existence gone for bad boy cheats and neither have my two best girlfriends. We have ALWAYS spotted them a mile away and pfffft them away with a swing of the back hand. I work with women and all but 2 have wasted too much of their life with bad boys, so I know what you’re talking about. Guess they’re smarter than me. I agree with you. Why waste time with a jack ass when you can have a nerd who treats you nice? Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a nerd. A women can always get 5 gay guys to help her nerd change his wardrobe and hair doo : P
I will always be mystified as to how on bloody earth people stand this behaviour for more than a few weeks. I really have a super low tolerance for it and if anything admire the endurance people have.
Perhaps I am the child who has issues for the inability of not sticking things out. But I believe in my heart that these people are FUBAR so why bother thinking you can fix them? Sure go out to a club or a concert or out with friends for shits and giggles with ’em, but to have a relationship….well…… to me that’s a joke. We’re only on this planet for a little while, why waste it with an ass?
P.S.
I think we should have our own syndicated talk show. Preferably radio. If I were as pretty as you I’d consider t.v. but I is what I is and it ain’t glamorous : /
Haha, thanks for your feedback! I wrote these satiric dating advice pieces mostly to amuse the opposite sex–meaning, so that the women would mostly prefer the advice given to men and vice versa.
And sure enough, most of the feedback I’ve gotten from women is that my advice to men is spot-on, but that I’m wrong about women. And, again, vice versa with men enjoying the pieces for women, but disliking what I say about men.
For instance, I had a female friend tell me that she identified with the pieces for men, but didn’t identify at all with the pieces for women. This came from a woman who, over the years, has told me about countless scoundrels she’s thrown herself at, “like the slut that I am” (her exact words), but who wouldn’t consider me as dating material because I was a good friend, a nice guy. I responded, “Really? You’ve never known any women, whatsoever, who find themselves attracted to bad boys? Well then, consider yourself blessed!” She didn’t respond back.
I’m still laughing. People often don’t want to hear the truth about themselves. Myself included. As recently as five years ago, I was deeply in love with a bad girl who committed many of the atrocities listed in my comparable piece for men. I hope I’ve learned my lesson. But only time will tell.