Rigorous Honesty: I Suffer From Womb-Envy

The Power Of No

I’ve bellyached a lot over the years about being shut down by beautiful women. I’ve imagined revenge scenarios in which I’ve become suddenly desirable to those women and I no longer want them.

Let’s say, for instance, I’m talking to a guy friend at a bar, and a hot woman interrupts us to talk to me, and I say to her, “I’m in the middle of a conversation here! I’ll be with you in a moment.”

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If any of those bitches suddenly started being nice to me . . . I’d probably assume that they had just finally come to their senses.

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Yes, I envy women their power to say no. I dream of turning the tables on the hundreds of women whose behavior seemed unnecessarily, even sadistically, rude to me. I have vowed, if ever I were to see any of those women again, to never show them the time of day; to be rude to them in return. I would show them who’s boss! And they would be sorry one day when I became everything they’d always wanted.

And yet, if any of those bitches suddenly started being nice to me, I probably wouldn’t be rude at all. I’d probably assume that they had just finally come to their senses.

Maybe someday I’ll grow some hair on my self-esteem. Until then, ladies, you still have a chance.

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This is a joke . . . ON ME! I am the target. Not women, naughty or nice. No one should extrapolate from this post that I am actually plotting revenge of any kind. Or that I think all women are bitches. I am satirizing my own severely-low self-esteem and rampant narcissism. Though, I must say, this was written five years ago, and I’ve graduated all the way up to moderately-low self-esteem and ever-so-slightly-mitigated narcissism.

And I’m explaining this joke because, if I’ve learned anything over the last five years, it’s that a lot of people online LOVE to get offended. Moral outrage has surpassed baseball as our national pastime. In point of fact, this post inspired a female troll to portray me online as a deranged misogynist; which, in turn, inspired me to write a four-part series on political Hit Pieces, grand and mundane.

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