God Reverses Position On Evolution

Evolution Of a Deity

God At a Recent Press Conference

Good news for people of faith! They no longer have to go around sounding like idiots because they’re afraid of going to hell.

In a rare interview, God said, recently, that the ambiguities of the Bible have caused too much confusion over the creation of the universe. “I knew, of course, that there would be disagreements, especially after the Enlightenment,” He said. “But this has gone too far!”

As a result, God is lightening up, so to speak, on the dark prospects of those who disagree with Creationists. The Lord of Hosts says He will no longer automatically send Evolutionists to Hell.

Heaven a Lonely Place

When asked about the sudden reversal, God said, with an amiable grin, “Well, I used to send people to Hell simply for questioning my judgment. But now,” he added, with a chuckle, “Hell has become entirely too crowded, and I’m lonely!”

When asked why He didn’t just settle the argument once and for all, He replied, “I’m a creative type. I speak in metaphors.”

Metaphors? What about The Commandments? Those aren’t exactly open to interpretation, are they?

With a dismissive hand wave, he responded, “I had to spell a few things out for the sociopaths. But I expect you people to use your brains, once in a while. It’s just plain dumb to go around hurting each other.”

Creation Is Intellectual Property

So, who’s right — the Creationists or the Evolutionists? “Neither. Both. Look, I’m never gonna say for sure, one way or another, how I created the universe. That’s proprietary information. That gets out, next thing you know, there’ll be competitive universes springing up everywhere.”