Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

Fooled By Hot Asian Chick

I was eating at Five Guys the other day, and a hot Asian chick caught my eye. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those guys who think that all Asian chicks are hot. But this one was pretty. Pretty hot! And her makeup was done just right, to accent her almond eyes and cherry lips. Our eyes met, and we started a game of Peekaboo–sort of like that scene in “Swingers” where Vince Vaughn is making googly eyes at the hot chick across the restaurant.

But then I caught a glimpse of leg hair creeping out of her ripped jeans. And when she got up to leave, and gave me one final knowing glance, she must have noticed the dismay on my face when I realized, by the size of her Adam’s apple and hip-to-waist ratio, that it was a dude!

I’ve also been on the other side of that predicament. Back in the ’80s, I played in a modern rock band. I had the prerequisite giant mullet and dangling skull hanging from my left ear (because, as they said of earring placement in those days, “Left is right, and right is queer”).

One spring afternoon, while I was waiting at a stop light, a jacked-up pickup truck pulled up beside me. I turned just in time to see some military redneck’s come-hither look change to one of angry confusion.

I felt like saying, “Hey, it’s not my fault I’m a guy!”